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Ephiphany of the Martha Kind.

In Uncategorized on February 10, 2009 at 8:04 pm

Martha came to me in a dream and told me I have to start planting a garden. Mhm.

Also, I wonder how many times a day I use the phrase, “Well, someone told me..” and insert a little tidbit of knowledge. When in fact I don’t personally know the person, I just read their blogs. I’m wonder if Woman told me to read David Lebovitz or someone from another blog encouraged me to add him to my rss list. Yes, it is sad when the internet interferes with your reality.

Pork, Saurkraut & a New Year.

In Uncategorized on January 3, 2009 at 8:48 pm

How many times do we say “the love of my life” before we actually get it right? Is love just another trial and error game we play? Just like a popular trend we were sporting in our fifth grade pictures that we’d love to burn, but mom will eventually show all your friends at some point in time. Is that love? Is that how we’re conditioned to treat lovers? With such a strong passionate love from the start, then just a pure embarrassment or even a hate in the future?

Reading my past blog entries isn’t healthy for me, not at all. It makes me scared I’m only doomed to make the same mistakes. But then another part of me challenges that part to produce these so call “mistakes” which ultimately makes me become fustrated, perhaps almost angry at myself.

The logical, rational me can accept that love isn’t that simple. There’s only a few mistakes you can make that will ultimately lead to losing that person, i.e. cheating, which sometimes that’s not always a deal breaker for some folks. People change – it’s a natural progression of life. I guess we only can hope the change in the one we love isn’t so severe that as a couple you can’t survive.

Honestly, I’m just scared. Scared sounds severe – and it is- I can’t think of a better word, just a feeling. I just don’t want our smiles to fade. Simple as that. Even my mom said I seem so much more happy, so much more like her daughter again then I have in years and years. That everytime she’s around me and especially when I’m with Brian I just seem to be all smiles. I’m bouncing around from sentence to sentence inside my head as I type because I’m so happy. My family adore him almost as much as I do (I’m being nice, I adore him a lot, lot more, even though they do adore him) and I’ve never felt that connection between my family and the man I adore. It’s like I gained another part of my family – not to mention gaining his side of the family which have done nothing but make me feel like I’ve been part of their own for years.

My mom didn’t even freak out when I said we were eventually moving some day. “Well, can I come visit!?” is what she said to me. She really cracks me up sometimes. She did make it a point to tell me we should get married before we move away, but she’s just being mom-the same woman who asked if he was going to propose for Christmas. Honestly, I know she only wants grand-babies, but she’s going to have to wait on both of those wishes. We’re both still young, me more so than him, and I want to take it slow and develop something that’s.. fair to us. I like his anaology for the idea – that most couples fail because they start at such a high pinnical that they only have one place to go… and that’s down. I believe we have and we will progress greatly together and I want to look forward to us growing together, even all the little and big challenges along the way. They’re ours. First up: painting the vinyl room. Heh.

♥Appreciative

Why beer becomes a good idea when you’re drunk..

In Uncategorized on August 31, 2008 at 5:35 am

I wish I knew that answer.

At one point yesterday evening I was asking myself that question: “Why does beer become such a great idea only when I’m drunk?” The next morning I’d have a quasi-answer in the way of a headache. Booze makes you stupid.

Not to say I haven’t had my best epiphanies when I was slammed. Last night most of which revolved around the soul. I’m very interested in the deliverance of a soul, the dispersion. Do we really just die? Or do we leave fragments of bone in the earth as our soul floats around & dances with the clouds? Probably neither. I actually don’t care much, but I always find myself in a half romantically dazed about it when I become drunk.

I think it all started because I was telling Brian that he brings out a different side in me, which he does. I’m very free & very open in his presence. I feel like there’s been years between us when it’s just been months. We’re kindred souls in a way, I suppose. At one point when we were going through the traditional chatting about your likes and dislikes when you first meet someone.. I squealed, “Tell me you love olives!” because we had that much in common. Our tastes are similar, our likes, our dislikes.. but we have striking differences too.

I’ve lost years of my life to the computer, but he’s never owned one. He’s so musically talented, but I can barely stand to pick up an instrument for more than ten minutes before I get frustrated & get a headache. He’s totally reckless at times and I’m a worrier, very conscious of every repercussion of my actions.

So how can we be so much alike & be so different. I went on a rant about how fragments of people who lived in the past’s souls were passed down into us as we were born. Not reincarnation in so many words, but a collection of the universe? Things come together and create a full puzzle – to create us. Maybe I have fragments of his past soul, as well as he has parts of mine. Perhaps that’s the “spark” people find between each other. Perhaps that’s “love at first sight”, friendship, opposites attracting, deja vu.. memories we never experienced, but we’ve seen before… in a past life. Maybe we knew their soul in a past life, or like I said, we could share a fragment.

Maybe that’s why beer becomes a good idea when I’m drunk.

♦ En-rich-ed in thought.

The atheistical Christian.

In Uncategorized on August 19, 2008 at 4:03 pm

That pretty much sums up who I am. The person who believes in not believing. The one who wanders around in a confused state at all times, a haze if you may, as though I just fell from the womb & I don’t quite understand my surroundings. Surroundings are one thing, but the people who are inhabiting the surroundings are a totally different ordeal. There are so many different elements that make up this world – how am I supposed to start understanding them all?

I’m not drunk – so why am I being philosophical?

Most likely because I thought it was a good idea to put myself back on Yaz. Just because my hormones are stable now doesn’t mean I can put that poison back into my body. It’s not completely out of my system yet, so I’m still very jumpy and questioning everything.

Yesterday was the worst. For the first time I reverted back into that quiet, serious Jamie who’s bundled up inside of her head worrying about everything that leaves my lips or every action I can’t control.

I couldn’t even make the decision if I wanted my money back because they couldn’t size Lexi’s ring to my finger. Honestly, it felt like letting go. It felt like giving up on the hope that someday my right hand ring might be his left hand ring again. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I feel about that at all. This has nothing to do with a non-committed monogamous relationship either. Even if I was alone, I don’t think I’d want to be with him anymore. Not the person he is right now, not even the person I fell in love with. He’s my heart, my soul, my best friend – but he will never be happy in a relationship until he is fully happy with himself. No woman, no girl, no female… no matter how great they are will never fill that gap inside of him – he just can’t be happy through someone else.

I say that, but I barely mean that.

The thing that scares me the most is wanting to fall back into something that isn’t healthy for either one of us. The distance, the strain, the constant kicking issues to the back of the closet – sure, it’s great for a friendship.. but let’s be honest.. he doesn’t even seem enthusiastic about that anymore. I’m just another one of those girls. I suppose this is why we fade away.. because he can’t be just a friend to us anymore. All those horrible things I’ve said about Terri were probably what my heart is going through at the moment. That’s not to say she’s not bat-shit insane.

I feel all these emotions & feelings shifting around inside of me, finding new homes and dusting themselves off from hibernation. Actually, I think some of them are taking their training wheels off – a lot of them I’ve never quiet developed. Especially the one where I can be emotionally attached, but not emotionally. Wow, if I could make less sense. To just enjoy conversations, things I’ve never fathomed doing, sex, and passion. To take a second and realize that everything doesn’t have to have a emotional connotation. That I can kiss someone I care about and not hear wedding bells in the future.

Then I backtrack – This is where I start to stumble. He’s not perfect, but that’s what I enjoy about him. In a relationship we’re the same doormats to our significant others. I understand where he stands because of it all, but it doesn’t mean I have to think it’s fair to girl’s who are genuine like me. He’s the perfect guy to start a relationship with & it sometimes makes me become defensive that if these girls who were just trouble from the start could have a chance.. why can’t I? That’s nothing I need right now, I know. Partially.. I want it because I can’t have it. That’s the other side to the equation when you factor out all the good qualities.

I do believe something: if my mind would shut up I’d be okay most of the time.

♦Rather be in Spades.

Jesus Christ Almighty, free at last!

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2008 at 8:49 pm

Yesterday I formally quit my job.

Two days ago I informally quit my job when I told Brian to roll over & turn off the alarm because, well, “fuck, Haars. It’s my day off.” Eyes closed and gestures going, I rolled over towards the wall, and fell back asleep. Responsibility in general has eluded me lately, which isn’t like me. I’m the big girl, the woman of the group, the designated driver, the one who shakes her head when the joint is being passed around, the one who always wrinkles her nose & says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” to adventure, more or less, the party-pooper.

My liver hasn’t sent an official letter of resignation, but last week I pushed it to it’s limits. It was either break down or break out. Passing up a reason to freak out is usually not my style, but I shaved my legs, pulled on a pair of tight jeans and a cute top.. and slammed down a few two many drinks at the bar for a week.

It’s hard for me to admit since my heart is still going through denial, but I’m single again. The words still catch in my throat and my pulse will beat hard in my veins, but I’m becoming numb to the realization. Christopher is the love of my life, the guy I fell head over heels for, the one I let myself become a romantic creature with – something that isn’t me. He’s still the one I want to run to every night, to lay with & giggle over cole slaw and biscuits, the one I want to take care of for the rest of my life, the one I want to share my smile with, to make him happy, but those things aren’t in the cards. I hate to say “whatever happens, happens”, because it’s just me hanging onto the past and waiting around. Or maybe I can use a more clique phrase about letting him go and if he comes back then it’s true. Yeah, been there, tried that.

I’m confused mostly about our break up than I am angry or upset or sad. Over all his happiness is more important than me or us as a couple, I’ve always said that and I’ve always meant that. I love him with all my heart. I try to be as selfless as possible with him.. which isn’t very easy for a selfish attention whore like me. So, just confused where all these emotions came from all of a sudden. These aren’t things that can be answered in an hour long phone call or even right now, I believe, so I’m letting it go.. letting it slip to the back of my head to only bubble up under a PMS-fire brew.

It’s just funny that he always calls when I’m trying to go on a “date” with another guy. Not dates, but going out as friends. Open suggestion: please get better timing! Haha.

I went out with Jose last Friday, which seems like ages ago. Basically we just hung out with Angel and Kenny from work for a few drinks. Angel is hysterical and Kenny was ranting about things that had no relevance because he was drunk. After that we went to Jenny’s, the home of the “If Jenny’s sober” watered down drinks. I had a few drinks, we chatted, then we went back to his house & smoked. I hate the way I act when I haven’t smoked in a while, I think I have to smoke a whole blunt to make up for the two months that have passed in my sobriety. Yeah, I was fucked up, but it felt so good.

The next night Wifey & I attempted to have a “ladies night out” which was interrupted. After driving around for an hour while I made my mind up on bars, we settles on the Oar House. Then a guy semi-hit on us, more so on me, but.. I tried to ignore the whole pass, but I was already feeling it and I welcomed the attention. The guy looked so familiar to me & I started questioning how I knew him, of coarse.. out loud! He totally turned out to be the guy who informed me that a fiddle and a violin are the same instrument. Singled handedly crushing my ego and eventually my dream! Haha, dramatics. That dream would have passed in a week or less anyway. I totally wooed him by peeing in the park after our expedition to Wawa for the most amazing Sunchips ever!

Side note: I love my Wifey. This woman truly is the love of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without her! I don’t think I could make it through everything I’ve been going through and even just the minor things without her support and understanding. I explained our friendship to someone recently and it made me realize how much I do love her. I can’t wait to take that huge, independent, adult-step and move in together. Wow, hello, let me sound a little more like a lesbo. Though, I’d totally hit it, haha!

♥Love.

Protected: Washed away ..

In Uncategorized on June 8, 2008 at 2:12 pm

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Dream to dream ..

In Uncategorized on June 8, 2008 at 1:46 pm

Dreams to dream, in the dark of the night ..
When the world was wrong ..
I can still make it right ..
I can see so far in my dreams ..
I’ll follow my dreams, until they come true ..
Come with me, you will see what I mean ..
There’s a world inside ..
No one else ever sees ..
You will go so far in my dreams ..
Somewhere in my dreams ..
Your dreams will come true ..
There is a star, waiting to guide us ..
Shinning inside us, when we close our eyes ..

Don’t let go, if you stay close to me ..
In my dreams tonight, you will see what I see ..
Dreams to dream ..
As near as can be ..
Inside you and me, they always come true ..

How many times can you quote a Disney song before it becomes old?

Geekdom:: –0-0–

In Uncategorized on June 2, 2008 at 8:50 am

Tired.

This was the first day I got to walk around for such a long period of time. It felt good, minus my bad judgement on wearing a wedge heel. It was pretty much a geek sandwich: toasted omgwtfbbqnoob bread, Superhero salami, a slice of boobs-without-nipples-cheese with a seasoning of Venture Brother’s cos-play. I’m trying to be witty, but there’s no chance of that at 4am.

Finally I found some amazing art for my room. My favorite was Laura Klein. If I wasn’t trying to edit myself, I would have bought her entire book! I wish she had more to pick from because she’s very talented. I love art that can make me squeal and giggle and truly appreciate it as well.

[Abused Pac-man.]

[They weren’t kidding when they called me, well.. a witch.]

I have the print of a group of Ewoks and one of R2 & Leia. I adore her art! She reminds me a little of Lenore.

Speaking of amazing! Christopher Darden! I wish I got a print from this artist, but the print I wanted he didn’t have scanned. Of coarse it was Iron Man. I popped total wood! Drool! Hopefully he’ll have the print available. His technique reminded me of the Kanji writing we did back in high school. He used the traditional brushes, but I’m not sure what type of ink he used. Instead of a canvas he used something that looked like a huge dry dry erase board. Just watching him was memorizing. His technique was so unique and his work was nothing less than breath taking! Edgy and dark. It fit right in with the characters he was painting. I was going to buy a Joker print, but I’d already bought a watercolor print and I didn’t want to look obsessed with the Joker. Even though he has to be my favorite comic book villain.

[Does it come in black..?]

I\'m Batman.

[Why so .. serious .. ]

Joker

I can’t wait to get some of his art!

All and all I had a great day with Wifey! I really need to step outside of my shell & pull her outside hers to go do stuff more often. Today was awesome just because we got to geek out while surrounded by geeks. Also, she pointed out we were the only ones there without boyfriends. Girlfriends do it better anyway. Ha!

Never fear, I have Spiderman pantylines/Venom fanny packs to share later.

♦Wild

In Uncategorized on May 28, 2008 at 5:31 pm

And even though I know how
very far a p a r t we are
It helps to think we might
be wishing on the same
b r i g h t star

♣Lucky

Historically Sound.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2008 at 11:28 pm

Hmpf. The one thing I will never love about History is the “responsibility” of historians writing history. Solving cultural problems and sticking their noses into everyday life.. trying to relate with “normal” person by relating the diets of the early American Colonists. There are conspiracies going on right under our noses. Not to sound paranoid, but apparently history is something trickled into society instead of allowing people to know when it happens. Apparently American’s can’t handle a lot of information at one time.

Where’d we go wrong?

I hate that question. History professors stop asking your students to think of revolutionary ideas that would save millions of people and change over a billion people’s lives. There’s no time machine, no Delorean to take us back in time to make the decisions they write down in their mid-term essays. You want us to create revolutionary ideas, but we’re teenagers, early-twenties punks who are still in our teething years of life. If I could change the world with my words, then I would, but I can’t and I don’t. I’m a little, immature girl from Southern New Jersey, not a revolution. I want to bake cupcakes and play with children all day not take up homemade poster board signs to the streets of New York City during rush hour to belt out message.

It’s not important to me. Does that make me a bad History student?

Probably.

My surgery is done and with few complications, so my life goes on. That sentence sounds a bit morbid. It’s just the pieces I’m still picking up are a little tricky and sometimes frustrating. Not because the pieces of the puzzle are tricky, but because I’m tricky. My heart and mind want to see the entire picture in it’s entirety. When we finally see it though, isn’t that just death? Or at least resigning to the idea that life isn’t worth living. So if I stop building, if I stop putting the pieces in the maybe.. wrong spot for now or forever, then I resign to the that fact. I stop living. That’s not something I’m willing to do anymore, not after finding my edges, and my one special, radiant piece.

I’m no closer to clarity then I was when I graduated college. My career is blurry, where I want to live is blurry, my education is blurry, but when do you ever get “true” clarity?