The atheistical Christian.

In Uncategorized on August 19, 2008 at 4:03 pm

That pretty much sums up who I am. The person who believes in not believing. The one who wanders around in a confused state at all times, a haze if you may, as though I just fell from the womb & I don’t quite understand my surroundings. Surroundings are one thing, but the people who are inhabiting the surroundings are a totally different ordeal. There are so many different elements that make up this world – how am I supposed to start understanding them all?

I’m not drunk – so why am I being philosophical?

Most likely because I thought it was a good idea to put myself back on Yaz. Just because my hormones are stable now doesn’t mean I can put that poison back into my body. It’s not completely out of my system yet, so I’m still very jumpy and questioning everything.

Yesterday was the worst. For the first time I reverted back into that quiet, serious Jamie who’s bundled up inside of her head worrying about everything that leaves my lips or every action I can’t control.

I couldn’t even make the decision if I wanted my money back because they couldn’t size Lexi’s ring to my finger. Honestly, it felt like letting go. It felt like giving up on the hope that someday my right hand ring might be his left hand ring again. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I feel about that at all. This has nothing to do with a non-committed monogamous relationship either. Even if I was alone, I don’t think I’d want to be with him anymore. Not the person he is right now, not even the person I fell in love with. He’s my heart, my soul, my best friend – but he will never be happy in a relationship until he is fully happy with himself. No woman, no girl, no female… no matter how great they are will never fill that gap inside of him – he just can’t be happy through someone else.

I say that, but I barely mean that.

The thing that scares me the most is wanting to fall back into something that isn’t healthy for either one of us. The distance, the strain, the constant kicking issues to the back of the closet – sure, it’s great for a friendship.. but let’s be honest.. he doesn’t even seem enthusiastic about that anymore. I’m just another one of those girls. I suppose this is why we fade away.. because he can’t be just a friend to us anymore. All those horrible things I’ve said about Terri were probably what my heart is going through at the moment. That’s not to say she’s not bat-shit insane.

I feel all these emotions & feelings shifting around inside of me, finding new homes and dusting themselves off from hibernation. Actually, I think some of them are taking their training wheels off – a lot of them I’ve never quiet developed. Especially the one where I can be emotionally attached, but not emotionally. Wow, if I could make less sense. To just enjoy conversations, things I’ve never fathomed doing, sex, and passion. To take a second and realize that everything doesn’t have to have a emotional connotation. That I can kiss someone I care about and not hear wedding bells in the future.

Then I backtrack – This is where I start to stumble. He’s not perfect, but that’s what I enjoy about him. In a relationship we’re the same doormats to our significant others. I understand where he stands because of it all, but it doesn’t mean I have to think it’s fair to girl’s who are genuine like me. He’s the perfect guy to start a relationship with & it sometimes makes me become defensive that if these girls who were just trouble from the start could have a chance.. why can’t I? That’s nothing I need right now, I know. Partially.. I want it because I can’t have it. That’s the other side to the equation when you factor out all the good qualities.

I do believe something: if my mind would shut up I’d be okay most of the time.

♦Rather be in Spades.


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