Jesus Christ Almighty, free at last!

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2008 at 8:49 pm

Yesterday I formally quit my job.

Two days ago I informally quit my job when I told Brian to roll over & turn off the alarm because, well, “fuck, Haars. It’s my day off.” Eyes closed and gestures going, I rolled over towards the wall, and fell back asleep. Responsibility in general has eluded me lately, which isn’t like me. I’m the big girl, the woman of the group, the designated driver, the one who shakes her head when the joint is being passed around, the one who always wrinkles her nose & says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” to adventure, more or less, the party-pooper.

My liver hasn’t sent an official letter of resignation, but last week I pushed it to it’s limits. It was either break down or break out. Passing up a reason to freak out is usually not my style, but I shaved my legs, pulled on a pair of tight jeans and a cute top.. and slammed down a few two many drinks at the bar for a week.

It’s hard for me to admit since my heart is still going through denial, but I’m single again. The words still catch in my throat and my pulse will beat hard in my veins, but I’m becoming numb to the realization. Christopher is the love of my life, the guy I fell head over heels for, the one I let myself become a romantic creature with – something that isn’t me. He’s still the one I want to run to every night, to lay with & giggle over cole slaw and biscuits, the one I want to take care of for the rest of my life, the one I want to share my smile with, to make him happy, but those things aren’t in the cards. I hate to say “whatever happens, happens”, because it’s just me hanging onto the past and waiting around. Or maybe I can use a more clique phrase about letting him go and if he comes back then it’s true. Yeah, been there, tried that.

I’m confused mostly about our break up than I am angry or upset or sad. Over all his happiness is more important than me or us as a couple, I’ve always said that and I’ve always meant that. I love him with all my heart. I try to be as selfless as possible with him.. which isn’t very easy for a selfish attention whore like me. So, just confused where all these emotions came from all of a sudden. These aren’t things that can be answered in an hour long phone call or even right now, I believe, so I’m letting it go.. letting it slip to the back of my head to only bubble up under a PMS-fire brew.

It’s just funny that he always calls when I’m trying to go on a “date” with another guy. Not dates, but going out as friends. Open suggestion: please get better timing! Haha.

I went out with Jose last Friday, which seems like ages ago. Basically we just hung out with Angel and Kenny from work for a few drinks. Angel is hysterical and Kenny was ranting about things that had no relevance because he was drunk. After that we went to Jenny’s, the home of the “If Jenny’s sober” watered down drinks. I had a few drinks, we chatted, then we went back to his house & smoked. I hate the way I act when I haven’t smoked in a while, I think I have to smoke a whole blunt to make up for the two months that have passed in my sobriety. Yeah, I was fucked up, but it felt so good.

The next night Wifey & I attempted to have a “ladies night out” which was interrupted. After driving around for an hour while I made my mind up on bars, we settles on the Oar House. Then a guy semi-hit on us, more so on me, but.. I tried to ignore the whole pass, but I was already feeling it and I welcomed the attention. The guy looked so familiar to me & I started questioning how I knew him, of coarse.. out loud! He totally turned out to be the guy who informed me that a fiddle and a violin are the same instrument. Singled handedly crushing my ego and eventually my dream! Haha, dramatics. That dream would have passed in a week or less anyway. I totally wooed him by peeing in the park after our expedition to Wawa for the most amazing Sunchips ever!

Side note: I love my Wifey. This woman truly is the love of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without her! I don’t think I could make it through everything I’ve been going through and even just the minor things without her support and understanding. I explained our friendship to someone recently and it made me realize how much I do love her. I can’t wait to take that huge, independent, adult-step and move in together. Wow, hello, let me sound a little more like a lesbo. Though, I’d totally hit it, haha!



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