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Archive for August, 2008|Monthly archive page

Why beer becomes a good idea when you’re drunk..

In Uncategorized on August 31, 2008 at 5:35 am

I wish I knew that answer.

At one point yesterday evening I was asking myself that question: “Why does beer become such a great idea only when I’m drunk?” The next morning I’d have a quasi-answer in the way of a headache. Booze makes you stupid.

Not to say I haven’t had my best epiphanies when I was slammed. Last night most of which revolved around the soul. I’m very interested in the deliverance of a soul, the dispersion. Do we really just die? Or do we leave fragments of bone in the earth as our soul floats around & dances with the clouds? Probably neither. I actually don’t care much, but I always find myself in a half romantically dazed about it when I become drunk.

I think it all started because I was telling Brian that he brings out a different side in me, which he does. I’m very free & very open in his presence. I feel like there’s been years between us when it’s just been months. We’re kindred souls in a way, I suppose. At one point when we were going through the traditional chatting about your likes and dislikes when you first meet someone.. I squealed, “Tell me you love olives!” because we had that much in common. Our tastes are similar, our likes, our dislikes.. but we have striking differences too.

I’ve lost years of my life to the computer, but he’s never owned one. He’s so musically talented, but I can barely stand to pick up an instrument for more than ten minutes before I get frustrated & get a headache. He’s totally reckless at times and I’m a worrier, very conscious of every repercussion of my actions.

So how can we be so much alike & be so different. I went on a rant about how fragments of people who lived in the past’s souls were passed down into us as we were born. Not reincarnation in so many words, but a collection of the universe? Things come together and create a full puzzle – to create us. Maybe I have fragments of his past soul, as well as he has parts of mine. Perhaps that’s the “spark” people find between each other. Perhaps that’s “love at first sight”, friendship, opposites attracting, deja vu.. memories we never experienced, but we’ve seen before… in a past life. Maybe we knew their soul in a past life, or like I said, we could share a fragment.

Maybe that’s why beer becomes a good idea when I’m drunk.

♦ En-rich-ed in thought.

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The atheistical Christian.

In Uncategorized on August 19, 2008 at 4:03 pm

That pretty much sums up who I am. The person who believes in not believing. The one who wanders around in a confused state at all times, a haze if you may, as though I just fell from the womb & I don’t quite understand my surroundings. Surroundings are one thing, but the people who are inhabiting the surroundings are a totally different ordeal. There are so many different elements that make up this world – how am I supposed to start understanding them all?

I’m not drunk – so why am I being philosophical?

Most likely because I thought it was a good idea to put myself back on Yaz. Just because my hormones are stable now doesn’t mean I can put that poison back into my body. It’s not completely out of my system yet, so I’m still very jumpy and questioning everything.

Yesterday was the worst. For the first time I reverted back into that quiet, serious Jamie who’s bundled up inside of her head worrying about everything that leaves my lips or every action I can’t control.

I couldn’t even make the decision if I wanted my money back because they couldn’t size Lexi’s ring to my finger. Honestly, it felt like letting go. It felt like giving up on the hope that someday my right hand ring might be his left hand ring again. I don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know how I feel about that at all. This has nothing to do with a non-committed monogamous relationship either. Even if I was alone, I don’t think I’d want to be with him anymore. Not the person he is right now, not even the person I fell in love with. He’s my heart, my soul, my best friend – but he will never be happy in a relationship until he is fully happy with himself. No woman, no girl, no female… no matter how great they are will never fill that gap inside of him – he just can’t be happy through someone else.

I say that, but I barely mean that.

The thing that scares me the most is wanting to fall back into something that isn’t healthy for either one of us. The distance, the strain, the constant kicking issues to the back of the closet – sure, it’s great for a friendship.. but let’s be honest.. he doesn’t even seem enthusiastic about that anymore. I’m just another one of those girls. I suppose this is why we fade away.. because he can’t be just a friend to us anymore. All those horrible things I’ve said about Terri were probably what my heart is going through at the moment. That’s not to say she’s not bat-shit insane.

I feel all these emotions & feelings shifting around inside of me, finding new homes and dusting themselves off from hibernation. Actually, I think some of them are taking their training wheels off – a lot of them I’ve never quiet developed. Especially the one where I can be emotionally attached, but not emotionally. Wow, if I could make less sense. To just enjoy conversations, things I’ve never fathomed doing, sex, and passion. To take a second and realize that everything doesn’t have to have a emotional connotation. That I can kiss someone I care about and not hear wedding bells in the future.

Then I backtrack – This is where I start to stumble. He’s not perfect, but that’s what I enjoy about him. In a relationship we’re the same doormats to our significant others. I understand where he stands because of it all, but it doesn’t mean I have to think it’s fair to girl’s who are genuine like me. He’s the perfect guy to start a relationship with & it sometimes makes me become defensive that if these girls who were just trouble from the start could have a chance.. why can’t I? That’s nothing I need right now, I know. Partially.. I want it because I can’t have it. That’s the other side to the equation when you factor out all the good qualities.

I do believe something: if my mind would shut up I’d be okay most of the time.

♦Rather be in Spades.

Jesus Christ Almighty, free at last!

In Uncategorized on August 14, 2008 at 8:49 pm

Yesterday I formally quit my job.

Two days ago I informally quit my job when I told Brian to roll over & turn off the alarm because, well, “fuck, Haars. It’s my day off.” Eyes closed and gestures going, I rolled over towards the wall, and fell back asleep. Responsibility in general has eluded me lately, which isn’t like me. I’m the big girl, the woman of the group, the designated driver, the one who shakes her head when the joint is being passed around, the one who always wrinkles her nose & says, “I don’t think it’s a good idea” to adventure, more or less, the party-pooper.

My liver hasn’t sent an official letter of resignation, but last week I pushed it to it’s limits. It was either break down or break out. Passing up a reason to freak out is usually not my style, but I shaved my legs, pulled on a pair of tight jeans and a cute top.. and slammed down a few two many drinks at the bar for a week.

It’s hard for me to admit since my heart is still going through denial, but I’m single again. The words still catch in my throat and my pulse will beat hard in my veins, but I’m becoming numb to the realization. Christopher is the love of my life, the guy I fell head over heels for, the one I let myself become a romantic creature with – something that isn’t me. He’s still the one I want to run to every night, to lay with & giggle over cole slaw and biscuits, the one I want to take care of for the rest of my life, the one I want to share my smile with, to make him happy, but those things aren’t in the cards. I hate to say “whatever happens, happens”, because it’s just me hanging onto the past and waiting around. Or maybe I can use a more clique phrase about letting him go and if he comes back then it’s true. Yeah, been there, tried that.

I’m confused mostly about our break up than I am angry or upset or sad. Over all his happiness is more important than me or us as a couple, I’ve always said that and I’ve always meant that. I love him with all my heart. I try to be as selfless as possible with him.. which isn’t very easy for a selfish attention whore like me. So, just confused where all these emotions came from all of a sudden. These aren’t things that can be answered in an hour long phone call or even right now, I believe, so I’m letting it go.. letting it slip to the back of my head to only bubble up under a PMS-fire brew.

It’s just funny that he always calls when I’m trying to go on a “date” with another guy. Not dates, but going out as friends. Open suggestion: please get better timing! Haha.

I went out with Jose last Friday, which seems like ages ago. Basically we just hung out with Angel and Kenny from work for a few drinks. Angel is hysterical and Kenny was ranting about things that had no relevance because he was drunk. After that we went to Jenny’s, the home of the “If Jenny’s sober” watered down drinks. I had a few drinks, we chatted, then we went back to his house & smoked. I hate the way I act when I haven’t smoked in a while, I think I have to smoke a whole blunt to make up for the two months that have passed in my sobriety. Yeah, I was fucked up, but it felt so good.

The next night Wifey & I attempted to have a “ladies night out” which was interrupted. After driving around for an hour while I made my mind up on bars, we settles on the Oar House. Then a guy semi-hit on us, more so on me, but.. I tried to ignore the whole pass, but I was already feeling it and I welcomed the attention. The guy looked so familiar to me & I started questioning how I knew him, of coarse.. out loud! He totally turned out to be the guy who informed me that a fiddle and a violin are the same instrument. Singled handedly crushing my ego and eventually my dream! Haha, dramatics. That dream would have passed in a week or less anyway. I totally wooed him by peeing in the park after our expedition to Wawa for the most amazing Sunchips ever!

Side note: I love my Wifey. This woman truly is the love of my life. I don’t know what I’d do without her! I don’t think I could make it through everything I’ve been going through and even just the minor things without her support and understanding. I explained our friendship to someone recently and it made me realize how much I do love her. I can’t wait to take that huge, independent, adult-step and move in together. Wow, hello, let me sound a little more like a lesbo. Though, I’d totally hit it, haha!

♥Love.