Re-learning; Re-thinking.

In Uncategorized on May 9, 2008 at 9:41 pm


That’s what she says.

As women, I think it’s something we learn at a very young age, to put ourselves down verbally. That phrase is right next to “Momma” and “Daddy” on the first list of words to learn. Where exactly do we learn to become our worst enemy? Is it genetically encoded in all females? Is it the way to trick our boyfriends, significant others and friends into giving us that elusive compliment? Maybe I can blame the media, but that doesn’t seem to feel right to put the bulk of the blame on an intangible item.

I’m as guilty as the next person of saying “I’m fat” or an “I’m stupid” just to hear someone verify I’m not. It’s not that I think I am, but I try to be reminded sometimes. I want to see myself through others eyes. Most likely because I want to change myself, mold myself to their liking so they’ll accept me and they won’t leave me.

That’s a revelation for me.. I’ve never connected abandonment with my looks, though I know I’m an attention whore. In the past year I’ve become a lot better about not wanting people to see me as just an object, just giving me that shallow justification. I’ve gone back to my roots, reconnected with my friends and made some new ones, weeded out the people who hurt me, and fenced the ones, who have hurt me in the past and I can still let in my life, at a safe distance (I can see them, but they can’t touch me).

It makes me wonder if it’s worth the effort to forgive someone who isn’t looking for forgiveness? Does that still mean something? Is it okay just to let someone drift from your life without cleaning up the feelings still left behind? Maybe I’m thinking of emotions/feelings too much as a set of towels being folded. You fold them neatly, place them in the closet, then close the door. Or you fold them messy, shove them in the closet, and try your hardest to keep the door shut. Maybe there’s room in the closet for a few mangled up towels amongst the Martha wannabes.

I have all these analogies for my problems locked away inside of me, but still no definitive answer to them. Maybe if I didn’t ask so many questions, there wouldn’t be so many problems. To just let whatever is going to happen, just happen. Though, my abandonment issues still force me to utter phrases like, “do you really love me?” over and over just for reassurance because my brain believes in silences feeling erratically change. My heart is a different character in a polar opposite play. We need to meet on neutral ground to talk out an alliance.

Sometimes I say things and it just makes me go, “you’re such a nerd”. This post is full of them!



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