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Archive for May, 2008|Monthly archive page

In Uncategorized on May 28, 2008 at 5:31 pm

And even though I know how
very far a p a r t we are
It helps to think we might
be wishing on the same
b r i g h t star

♣Lucky

Historically Sound.

In Uncategorized on May 21, 2008 at 11:28 pm

Hmpf. The one thing I will never love about History is the “responsibility” of historians writing history. Solving cultural problems and sticking their noses into everyday life.. trying to relate with “normal” person by relating the diets of the early American Colonists. There are conspiracies going on right under our noses. Not to sound paranoid, but apparently history is something trickled into society instead of allowing people to know when it happens. Apparently American’s can’t handle a lot of information at one time.

Where’d we go wrong?

I hate that question. History professors stop asking your students to think of revolutionary ideas that would save millions of people and change over a billion people’s lives. There’s no time machine, no Delorean to take us back in time to make the decisions they write down in their mid-term essays. You want us to create revolutionary ideas, but we’re teenagers, early-twenties punks who are still in our teething years of life. If I could change the world with my words, then I would, but I can’t and I don’t. I’m a little, immature girl from Southern New Jersey, not a revolution. I want to bake cupcakes and play with children all day not take up homemade poster board signs to the streets of New York City during rush hour to belt out message.

It’s not important to me. Does that make me a bad History student?

Probably.

My surgery is done and with few complications, so my life goes on. That sentence sounds a bit morbid. It’s just the pieces I’m still picking up are a little tricky and sometimes frustrating. Not because the pieces of the puzzle are tricky, but because I’m tricky. My heart and mind want to see the entire picture in it’s entirety. When we finally see it though, isn’t that just death? Or at least resigning to the idea that life isn’t worth living. So if I stop building, if I stop putting the pieces in the maybe.. wrong spot for now or forever, then I resign to the that fact. I stop living. That’s not something I’m willing to do anymore, not after finding my edges, and my one special, radiant piece.

I’m no closer to clarity then I was when I graduated college. My career is blurry, where I want to live is blurry, my education is blurry, but when do you ever get “true” clarity?

Re-learning; Re-thinking.

In Uncategorized on May 9, 2008 at 9:41 pm

I’M FAT!

That’s what she says.

As women, I think it’s something we learn at a very young age, to put ourselves down verbally. That phrase is right next to “Momma” and “Daddy” on the first list of words to learn. Where exactly do we learn to become our worst enemy? Is it genetically encoded in all females? Is it the way to trick our boyfriends, significant others and friends into giving us that elusive compliment? Maybe I can blame the media, but that doesn’t seem to feel right to put the bulk of the blame on an intangible item.

I’m as guilty as the next person of saying “I’m fat” or an “I’m stupid” just to hear someone verify I’m not. It’s not that I think I am, but I try to be reminded sometimes. I want to see myself through others eyes. Most likely because I want to change myself, mold myself to their liking so they’ll accept me and they won’t leave me.

That’s a revelation for me.. I’ve never connected abandonment with my looks, though I know I’m an attention whore. In the past year I’ve become a lot better about not wanting people to see me as just an object, just giving me that shallow justification. I’ve gone back to my roots, reconnected with my friends and made some new ones, weeded out the people who hurt me, and fenced the ones, who have hurt me in the past and I can still let in my life, at a safe distance (I can see them, but they can’t touch me).

It makes me wonder if it’s worth the effort to forgive someone who isn’t looking for forgiveness? Does that still mean something? Is it okay just to let someone drift from your life without cleaning up the feelings still left behind? Maybe I’m thinking of emotions/feelings too much as a set of towels being folded. You fold them neatly, place them in the closet, then close the door. Or you fold them messy, shove them in the closet, and try your hardest to keep the door shut. Maybe there’s room in the closet for a few mangled up towels amongst the Martha wannabes.

I have all these analogies for my problems locked away inside of me, but still no definitive answer to them. Maybe if I didn’t ask so many questions, there wouldn’t be so many problems. To just let whatever is going to happen, just happen. Though, my abandonment issues still force me to utter phrases like, “do you really love me?” over and over just for reassurance because my brain believes in silences feeling erratically change. My heart is a different character in a polar opposite play. We need to meet on neutral ground to talk out an alliance.

Sometimes I say things and it just makes me go, “you’re such a nerd”. This post is full of them!

Lucky.