Life is a Road..

In Uncategorized on April 11, 2008 at 5:19 am

No one told me I was going to find you..
Unexpected what you did to my heart..
When I lost hope you were there to remind me..
This is the start,,,

I lost him once.
Once in a fog of old loves, tangled friendships, lustful nights and deceitful I love yous. This is the last time I’m going to think about this, the last time I’m going to cry, the last time I breathe life into this topic.

At the end of July I felt I wasted my numbered dreams on a man who would never want me. It was okay to be his best friend, but to accept me as an intimate partner wasn’t something he could possibly do. The wilted Roses, the pressed Baby’s Breath, an abused stuffed sheep with a drunken name was all I had to remember what if felt like to be his girl.

I lost my promise ring Joshua gave me only months after receiving it, “Then I won’t buy you one.” He joked, laughed, and my breath caught in my chest. There in Atlantic City on my 21st Birthday the heart I locked away for him, I released thinking he’d catch it instead of letting it float off into the blue.  A good part of the night I spent letting a guy buy me drinks. This isn’t like me.. but he looked like him at least with beer goggles. He was thinner, shorter, but he looked so much like him. The short blond hair, the striking blue eyes, a tattoo on his left arm, even down to the silly baseball cap, He didn’t have that smile, that amazing smile. Joe, the guy, would kiss me that night, but I turned away from him on various occasions, asking him not to do that. Everything I was already belonged to him.

Once I lost him.

Only a few weeks later he’d be gone, dating another girl. It was the only time I ever yelled at him & I ever expect to. He’d rather be with a girl he’d only knew for days at the very most, while I was waiting, his best friend, in the wings. To think he had a spark with these girls along the way to becoming us does scare me. Losing him once happened so quickly, I don’t want to be so blind, so broadsided again. My heart isn’t protected, but I worry constantly that someone else could be better for him. As his best friend I’d want him to be happy, but as his partner.. I’d die inside.

As the pieces of our relationship fell into place, I lost one of my best friends. I thought it was possible to have a relationship, a friendship, with Joshua after our break up, but it didn’t work out. It wouldn’t be the only friendship I’d lose.

It’s important to be to be accepted. It’s hard to stand by & be rejected by his friends. They don’t even want me in his life. That’s not something I’m sure how to deal with. It scares me they see the ‘real’ me.. the person everyone runs away from eventually. That would mean losing him.

I can’t define who I am anymore without him. He’s become a part of me that I’m not willing to let go, that I’d fight for with a passion, a spark I never had before him. We will end up together, I will never let him go.



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