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Archive for April, 2008|Monthly archive page

David Sedaris!

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2008 at 9:45 am

David Sedaris!

When Your Engulfed in Flames

..for now I’ll just drool over Rocco’s new Cookbook! 9am never came soon enough!

I need an adventure!

In Uncategorized on April 28, 2008 at 4:45 am

It’s spring and I’m getting antsy for a change. This time of the year always inspires me to break out of my behind the computer and venture out into the real world. I’m going to blame it on the tax returns, I just got my check this weekend. It only inspires me to buy useless stuff when I should be saving to move out this summer. Patrick or not, this is going to happen!

My dad lost his temper with me today over nothing. I hadn’t put my registration in the car, but I hadn’t used my car except for yesterday when I drove to Wifey & Rob’s, but Rob drove to Deptford. It wasn’t such a big deal, but he freaked out today. I wasn’t feeling good in the first place, so I probably was a lot more sensitive to the situation then I needed to be.

So, useless purchase of the Tax Season!

I already got two new outfits. A new hat, some undies, a shirt, pants, a purse and some stockings. Along with dinner. So, a portion of my check is already gone. I have to send Lexi & Woman’s package later this week, so there goes at least 1/4 of the check. With state still coming, incentive, and my check from the Board coming through, it’ll be a great start to saving to move out. After my surgery, I expect to get a part-time/full-time job, ending the summer up in Dealer School. Then at the end of summer I want to find a job down in AC, then an apartment. I need to put in my paperwork for Stockton & see if I can transfer from Drexel, which would be great because it’s either that or I’m going to transfer to Drexel and live up in the city. Either way, I want to be out of the house by Christmas. My school plan is to take 4 classes (so I have a full-time student status for health insurance) and a course or two in culinary school. I don’t know if I can really do this, if I’m disciplined enough to be that motivated or my Epstein Barr won’t kick in about 2 months into it.. so we’ll see.

I might go to Washington for the weekend next week or the week after, before my surgery.

Washington, DC, unfortunately. I want to just walk around the city and take in the architecture on my own. Try to set out and define myself. Take photography & see the historical sites again. I think it’s a really important place to start to define the historical & photography side of my interests.. Which I’ve been lacking a lot of lately. No motivation. None at all.

So let’s think.. where do we want to go?

i.d.k.

Life is a Road..

In Uncategorized on April 11, 2008 at 5:19 am

No one told me I was going to find you..
Unexpected what you did to my heart..
When I lost hope you were there to remind me..
This is the start,,,

I lost him once.
Once in a fog of old loves, tangled friendships, lustful nights and deceitful I love yous. This is the last time I’m going to think about this, the last time I’m going to cry, the last time I breathe life into this topic.

At the end of July I felt I wasted my numbered dreams on a man who would never want me. It was okay to be his best friend, but to accept me as an intimate partner wasn’t something he could possibly do. The wilted Roses, the pressed Baby’s Breath, an abused stuffed sheep with a drunken name was all I had to remember what if felt like to be his girl.

I lost my promise ring Joshua gave me only months after receiving it, “Then I won’t buy you one.” He joked, laughed, and my breath caught in my chest. There in Atlantic City on my 21st Birthday the heart I locked away for him, I released thinking he’d catch it instead of letting it float off into the blue.  A good part of the night I spent letting a guy buy me drinks. This isn’t like me.. but he looked like him at least with beer goggles. He was thinner, shorter, but he looked so much like him. The short blond hair, the striking blue eyes, a tattoo on his left arm, even down to the silly baseball cap, He didn’t have that smile, that amazing smile. Joe, the guy, would kiss me that night, but I turned away from him on various occasions, asking him not to do that. Everything I was already belonged to him.

Once I lost him.

Only a few weeks later he’d be gone, dating another girl. It was the only time I ever yelled at him & I ever expect to. He’d rather be with a girl he’d only knew for days at the very most, while I was waiting, his best friend, in the wings. To think he had a spark with these girls along the way to becoming us does scare me. Losing him once happened so quickly, I don’t want to be so blind, so broadsided again. My heart isn’t protected, but I worry constantly that someone else could be better for him. As his best friend I’d want him to be happy, but as his partner.. I’d die inside.

As the pieces of our relationship fell into place, I lost one of my best friends. I thought it was possible to have a relationship, a friendship, with Joshua after our break up, but it didn’t work out. It wouldn’t be the only friendship I’d lose.

It’s important to be to be accepted. It’s hard to stand by & be rejected by his friends. They don’t even want me in his life. That’s not something I’m sure how to deal with. It scares me they see the ‘real’ me.. the person everyone runs away from eventually. That would mean losing him.

I can’t define who I am anymore without him. He’s become a part of me that I’m not willing to let go, that I’d fight for with a passion, a spark I never had before him. We will end up together, I will never let him go.