In Uncategorized on February 5, 2008 at 12:29 am

Today I’ve been very quiet. It’s not like me to have a quiet mind even when I’m tried, but it seems to have never woke up this morning. Perhaps it’s a good thing since I didn’t like the news I got today at all. If it was talking, it would be worrying. When does all this end? When does someone actually believe I have pain and help me? Medically, I should say, because I’ve been so unbelievably lucky and fortunate to have the support system I have.

Today I met with the fertility specialist about my PCOS or the lack of there of. It’s not that I don’t like him, but I don’t think a man can fully understand what it’s like to have the pain of just a period, let alone some foreign stabbing pain to add to it. He was nice, through, funny and very gentle with his voice. I tend to notice odd things about people in general.. how they play their voice, how their lips react, common gestures, and especially hands. For some reason, I love hands. So noticing his gentle voice today isn’t something odd. Since he was telling me the regular treatments and the whole unknown/no cure side of Endometriosis, it’s nice to have a calm, soothing voice. Dr. Bispo is the same. His mouth always looks like it’s shouting, but he whispers.


The main treatment he wants me to seek is through a psychologist. At least it was a relief he said that I shouldn’t go on anti-depressants. After seeing what happened to Amy and having a hard time adjusting to the hormones in birth control, it’s scary to think of what I may lose because of it. He said he believed that my pain was real, but my stress is probably projecting the intensity of the pain. I disagree. My two main stresses are my job and this pain! So the pain that is causing me stress, is the stress that is causing me even more pain.. apparently. Again, I disagree!

I have stress, but no more than a normal person would have stress. Work, family life, a long distance relationship, not getting time to spend with my friends, going back to college.. it’s nothing that isn’t normal!

Work has always been stressful for me because it’s such a different job. I’m not just learning how to use a cash register, I was learning how to take pictures properly, how to align, center, crop, child’s play and sharpening my reaction speed. Not to mention dealing with the customers. Selling, delivering, answering the tons of questions.. and dealing with the $5.99 bull shit. Crying kids, Wal-Mart trash.. yeah, it’s stressful, but I love it. This week I ended with a $92 average for the week! In our district, that’s unheard of! I’m pretty sure I’ll make the top sellers list come next month. For once I got good at something. I was devoted and passionate about it, but that’s all gone. I quit this week because I hated feeling like the whipping girl, which I’d been feeling for the whole time I worked there. When I work alone and people don’t interfere with me, I love the job! It’s the people I work with that create the most stress in the job.

My family life is changing again. We’re going back to a three person family! My Grandmom just moved back home which is a relief. I love her, but she’s changed so drastically over the last few years that it doesn’t feel like my Grandmom anymore. She’s ungrateful, pushy, lazy.. it’s not her. This time around she was so nasty to me. It was like every little thing I did was bothersome to her. Right down to the fact that I took a shower in the morning sometimes.. and sometimes I took them in the afternoon. It shouldn’t matter to anyone, but she made such a big deal about it. The thing that hurt the most was when I could hear her talking to my mom in her room. I’d made Brisket that night and she told my mom, “I don’t want to eat whatever she cooked.” It was so hurtful she didn’t even try it after I spent all day making it. In my defense, it was really good! My dad and I ate the entire three pound Brisket in two days. She’s gone & our house is finally completely cleaned up and feeling like home again.

My relationship isn’t something I talk openly about to many people. It’s not that I’m ashamed or even afraid of people judging me anymore, but I always feel like what is ours is ours. There’s no need for me to brag or constantly talk about him. That’s not to say that I don’t constantly think about him, heh. I’ve never felt this complete before him and that helps me a lot with the stress. Not to mention he’s my best friend over all. I worry, yes. It’s an old & bad habit that I need to correct because I don’t want to put extra strain on our relationship. The only thing that stresses me is the distance. I don’t want to say it’s hard to love someone and not be able to hold them, but you always have that urge.. of coarse I want that physical attention, but I’d wait a lifetime if I just got one kiss. “Hey There Delilah” makes me cry because Delilah is so lucky.. she only has a thousand miles between her love & her.. I have two thousand. Not one day goes by that I regret or question my devotion or love.. or even the small pains we have to go through now to be together later.

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars
I’d walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we’ll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same

I’m off subject and falling asleep…

…Maybe someday I’ll make one of these coherent.


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