Archive for January, 2008|Monthly archive page

In Uncategorized on January 18, 2008 at 7:19 am

I’m scared..

..I’m looking for an answer that no one wants to tell me.

Nothing is wrong with me, but I’m in so much pain. Each day from the middle of the month on is one jabbing pain after another to my hips, my sides, my back. So bad that it’s hard to get out of bed some days, while others I just stand & deal with the pain. I’ve never claimed to be good at standing strong. I’ve always been small, weak, frail, but now I’m searching for protection. Crawling under his umbrella and folding mine. It’s not fair to let him catch all the raindrops that fall on both me and him, but I can’t find it in myself to be strong anymore. I’m spent. Emotionally, I should be fine right now, but I’m nothing but a mess. Reassurance is something I look for on a daily basis. My tongue runs in familiar circles of talking, I fall flat, I’m uninteresting in my mind.. simply put, I’m losing myself.

It might be the winter months, it might be my illness, or just the simple fact that things are shifting. Not changing, just shifting into a different routine. I’ve never been in a rush to get to the finish line until recently. I want to push on into the following months to find myself again, as though my I floated into future & I’m just waiting for my body to get there.

Sometimes it feels like I just woke up after months of napping. Time had changed, but I was standing still, inattentive. All I feel like doing is blaming my illness anymore. An illness I can’t put a name to anymore. I don’t have cysts, but that causes a bigger problem. If my pain isn’t coming from a cyst, then it’s coming from my actual womb.

In my mind I live this crazy, wonderful fantasy of a life. This isn’t a product of the last few months in pain, but it’s something I’ve always lived with, but it’s been easier to slip away to in the past few months. I’d like to think that most people live like this.. fantasizing about things that are quite in their reach, not a big theatrical production of life, but just an alteration to the fabric of your everyday life. One where you don’t have normal restrictions. A fantasy where I can tilt my chin up and have him meet me half way in a kiss. One where I don’t have to imagine a smile, a gesture, a touch.. where it’s real. One where I can go running on a nice day without stopping halfway & being in pain the rest of the week.

I’m so scared.

My mind is so clouded with doubts. Ones that if I wasn’t standing so close to the issue, it would be clear. I try to live on the idea that what happens, is supposed to happen for a reason, but it’s been getting hard. When I think about marriage, I tell myself that’s not what I need. A commitment, an understand, a bond of love is more important then any vows or a ring could mean. A title doesn’t make you concrete, but I want to believe it’s the love you share. I think too far ahead, I let my heart get too far in front of me. I think about children.. they’re the only thing I’ve wanted in life for a long time, so when faced with a disease that could take that possibility away from me, it scares me. I just wish there was some way to calm my heart down, to think a little less & live a little more. When you can’t get out of bed for half the month, it’s hard to live though.

To ask someone to listen to my problems is the worst thing I could ask from someone, in my opinion. It seems like I want to make everything about me.. that the emotions I have inside are controllable. They’re not anymore and that alone scares me. The person I’m becoming is so polar from the person I once was. Not all of it has been bad, but it’s definitely a constant struggle. I don’t want to end up hurting the ones I love or worst of all.. driving them away from me.
So, I’m scared.

Maybe I’m distinctly remembering myself in a better light to hide the blemishes I have now. I’ve never been secure with myself and I’ve always had a bit of a brat inside of me, but I don’t remember being emotional. Crying is the hardest thing to deal with because it happens so often. There’s days when I just want to be sad. When I start to feel it, I try to explain it to myself, I try to make a reason up for why I’m upset. It doesn’t have to be rational either, but I believe it, and I just get myself upset over these figments. My imagination rules over my life.. or my emotions. My body is changing so much..I need to accept that being sad doesn’t need to have a reason.

There’s things I need to work on, lessons I need to learn without a teacher, and an evolution that needs to take place. Even if I don’t come out the same person, I just hope those who are close to me can accept or come to accept the person I’m becoming.

It kinda hits me when I sit down & lay everything out.. it’s definitely a “holy hell, I’m growing up” moment. I’m still seventeen years old standing at my front door at two AM in my prom dress, waiting for the gay boy to kiss me. Maybe that’s why I panic all the time.. I fell in love with my best friend once.. and he just used me. Now I’m just holding my breath & waiting for another kiss. I’m not sure how my train of thought got from cysts to prom, but it connects somewhere up there.