Archive for October, 2007|Monthly archive page

In Uncategorized on October 6, 2007 at 3:59 pm

When life doesnt go the way you want it to,
patience softens the blow.
Rebecca Ketterer

I’m tired & not much of this will make sense later in the day, but I feel like I want to say it now.

I’m complete.
I’m happy.

It’s not as though I needed someone to support me, to hold my hand, pat my head, drying my tears like you do a child, but I needed someone. For a long time I’ve been emotionally reserved. I’ve never felt I had that person I could “cry on their shoulder” and not feel like a burden. Not have them look at me with blank eyes & croon an “aw” in response. I’ve never had someone who would tell me I was outright wrong when I felt I wasn’t worth the battle.

I don’t want someone to support me. I want someone to work with me to hold up the burdens of life.

February came and changed my life. My heart started to shift, started to redefine what I needed to make myself properly work. I started opening my heart to a new friend which was a hard ordeal for me. In the past I’ve been left by everyone I cherished or held close to me. I’d find the person I was in love with was no exception.

March comes and goes. Easter comes and I’m living with Joshua with the hopes of us starting a life together. The night before I moved a ship entirely by myself at least three inter arches & across seven or eight islands. The next day we sunk that ship & lost Winter Solstice, while I just lost Easter with my family. On the way home Joshua & I gushed about ideas of starting out own business. At the time I really wanted to flip houses and I was trying to convince him to start his own computer repair business on the side. We talked about our children. I packed away any ideas of going back to college. Now we were “adults”, taking care of ourselves, but we had each other.

The next day.. I got to talk to my best friend for the first time. I was so nervous, I was so floored that he called me finally after the many discussions we had about speech impediments and voices. I snort, I giggle, I stumble over my words and misuse them, I’m generally very silly & nervous on the phone. What could be so wrong with him?

We were still talking when Joshua came home in the evening. He’d just started day shift & was home early in the evening. I walked in the kitchen, kissed him, said hello. My best friend was still talking to me. Joshua looked at me & mouthed “Who’s that?” I can’t remember if I said Alex or Addi, but he knew who I was talking to. He laughed, “I thought you were talking to a girl.” I just narrowed my eyes, walking back into the living room.

I bet the conversation was pretty scarce. I remember giggling a lot. Coming up with a lot of “I don’t know’s” in response to questions. I remember one, though.. he asked me if I could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? At the time he was in Hawaii. I just giggled & didn’t come up with a response.

As the week went on, he called more often. One time Crystal, him, and I got to talk together. Which, it was basically just Crystal talking until I started drinking to loosen up. Even after a few shots, I didn’t talk that much. One night it just became too much for Joshua. We were eating dinner & watching TV when “Alex” called. Joshua got upset at me, so in response I got upset too and went home for the weekend.

I never came back.

What changed that weekend? Perhaps a realization that I didn’t want to be yelled at any longer when I wasn’t giving direct attention to him. That I wanted someone to care, to be compassionate towards me. To let me do as I pleased. I wasn’t in love with “Alex”. I sure as hell fell in love with Chris. He told me “I love you” at the end of our phone call that night when he was boarding his flight back home. This wasn’t the first time I heard it, but the first time from his own voice. It would be another month before I found out his real name was Chris. It would be about another month before I started falling for him.

My body was changing. It had been for a while, but I never took note. It wasn’t something easily noted, something external and easy to spot. I’ve since been diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. My depression took me to some sever lows and without his support, I doubt I could have made it through it all. One night I wrote out a suicide note and seriously considered taking a bottle of sleeping pills. At that time I was in physical and emotional pain that I couldn’t imagine before that point. Some days I couldn’t get out of bed because it was a chore to walk.

As I fell apart, he gathered my pieces. That’s what I needed.

Someone to let me express what was eating me up inside. Not excuse me from a conversation, let me run away anymore. Someone to read me & tell me I wasn’t be truthful with them when I said nothing was wrong. Someone to care enough to pry into me and make the real me emerge.

Through it all.. all the drama, all the tears & hardships, we worked it out as best friends.

That’s what I needed.. a best friend, the piece that completes me.

Things change for a reason. I’m not sure how this all fell into place, but it was a long, hard road. That’s not to say I wouldn’t travel it again.

Today I cleaned. I don’t wish to delete the past, it’s not something any of us are capable of, but I don’t need it around as reminders of worse times. From today on, I want to take each step to making new memories and not building off the old.


In Uncategorized on October 3, 2007 at 5:47 am

Someone raised an interesting idea today. Even if God isn’t real, we still need him along the road of life. TBC sometime.