Archive for September, 2007|Monthly archive page

In Uncategorized on September 8, 2007 at 7:49 am

“If we are unwilling to be aware of the dark,
we cannot see the light.”

The Extra Piece

NOT OFTEN DO I step back to look at my blog as some type of journal to gush to or a place to put events into a cement form. I don’t need that reassurance that my memories are real, but I need the comfort of a silent ear. When I talk sometimes, I tend to ramble, to continue to talk to make people interested. Here, I only have to continue until my voice is tired.

In the palm of my hand I always held an extra piece to the puzzle of my life. I thought perhaps this piece wasn’t meant to be in the puzzle at all, that it was merely snuck into my box to complicate matters, to test my heart. I was wrong on all accounts. When I tried to jam the piece into, what I thought was, the correct spot, other pieces buckled and threatened to fall out of place. So, I set it down, I looked at it again. Honestly, I gave up pushing it into the places in my life it didn’t belong or wanted to be in, so I let it rest by itself. Then one day I was pushed to make the decision of keeping the piece in my life or letting it drift. There I stood, one piece in hand, and I pressed it into the puzzle and it broke. Pieces I’ve built years on came falling to the floor in haste. When I stepped back, it felt right, I could smile again.

This piece isn’t a real piece, but a person. Possibly a horrible analogy, but I’ve never been good at expressing my actions or emotions through objects, nor have I ever been good at being blunt.

I’m going back to college.
I’m finding a new job.
I’m searching for a new importance.
I’m going to start to love the person I am.
I want to start my life one step at a time.
I’m going to enjoy every day.

From my grandmother’s hospital room on the ninth floor, you can see a the cityscape perfectly. In the city everything is made of morter and stone. Bricks stacked together to create shelters. Nothing is personal, nothing is natural left in the city. A fire may ravish a city, but the stony skeleton would still remain. I’ve fought my own fires and now I’m left like the city. Empty, cold, with only but boned as remains. Now is my chance to rebuild. I can either rebuild around the smoky ashes with my skeletons, my unnatural remains, or tear each brick down and rebuild something natural, something real.

Each brick I toss aside is one put there by someone who left my life, as a sort of ‘parting gift’. My insecurities being the worst of the debris. For the past few days all I’ve wanted to do was cry because I’m left with this empty feeling inside. It doesn’t make me feel better that I look to those closest to me to reassure me that I’m a good person, that I’m attractive, that I’m worth even the air I breathe. It’s not fair to them, it’s not fair to me.

Though I fear all these bricks are too heavy for me to carry.. that I will just burden those I love with my own bricks. Burden them so much that they too will set down their bricks and leave. I can’t have them leave me, but I know I have to stand strong now.

..Each day I will try to stand strong for you.