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Archive for July, 2007|Monthly archive page

Stuck in Neutral.

In Uncategorized on July 31, 2007 at 11:00 am

Just press the button. Pull back the gear. Your life is set.

Simple enough? I’m still stuck in neutral.

Where do I start? If I could find that point, I don’t think my journey would be that hard. I have no direction right now as to where I’m supposed to go, or even where I’m supposed to be in life. I’m undereducated and unemployed.

I’ve never had to deal with being unemployed, my job was secure and I never had to worry much about it. I never had to worry about being single, Joshua seemed to stand by me no matter what came along. I never had to deal with physical pain, I’ve always been quite healthy. I’ve never had to deal with death… people seemed to walk away before that point.

Everything seems there, but in this haze. One I have to touch, to feel around to see if the objects in front of me are real. I’ll reach my hand out & right through a dreamy figure my hand will fall. There he stood, so close to me, but my eyes snapped shut as some physical reaction to fear, to pain, to the workings of the body that can’t be explained.. I’m not sure. When my eyes open, it takes a while for them to readjust, but he’s gone. Another hand reaches out for me, promises me things my heart wants to fill itself with. Comfort, support.. love.. the things we seek to fill these holes. I swore I was holding him, but all that remains is a cold chill. So, I turn to find my old friend riddled with wounds of the war we call love. Wounds that a struck in this haze, that I scared, that I left for him to fend with while I searched through his fog. It was never my intention, but not often is it our intention to hurt the ones around us, but it does happen. Now I’m dealing.

I’m eager to make things go back to normal, but I hold onto the reality that things cannot ever go back to what we once called ‘normal’. I’m scared to put that next foot down again when the time comes, if it does. Mostly scared of myself. What if this happens again?

I’ve been dealing with extreme physical pain over the past month due to ovarian cysts. It seems this is a common thing among women, but I don’t think most women have these horrible pains. It’s hard to sit up for long periods of time, it makes me miserable and agitated that I can’t get up and accomplish the things I want, I believe it’s setting off some hormonal imbalance that makes me extremely emotional, and.. I’m scared one day I won’t be able to have children. The latter is the least of my problems for the time being. My lower abdomen is so swollen and painful. This can’t be normal.

I can’t even pull this post together enough to be coherent.

Sigh.

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